Dear Stacey and Olivia,
I have been struggling and am in need of advice. My oldest daughter is a college freshman and I rarely hear from her; only when she needs money or for me to read over a paper. I miss talking to her and I am confused about what happened. When I call her, she keeps the conversation short if she even picks up. She was very nervous to leave home, so I assumed we would keep in touch much more than we do. Should I be worried? Hurt? Angry? I’m not sure what to think.
Best,
Worried Mom
Dear Worried Mom,
I get it. I am a recent college grad and am happy to offer my perspective in the hopes it will help you both. Freshman year of college brings about a range of emotions. Your daughter could be having the time of her life, or struggling a bit and figuring out how to be an adult in her own way. Finding your place in a completely new community is something that takes time. She is probably so preoccupied in establishing herself in her new and ever-evolving life, she may not even notice she has been distant with you. Yet, I am sure she misses you, so she could be pushing you away a bit for her own protection. No one wants to feel sad and vulnerable when they’re away from home. Try to think of her actions as positive. She is meeting new people, taking new and interesting classes, joining new clubs, and exploring what life looks like in a new situation. Be proud that she is putting her energy into new experiences. She will be so excited to tell you all about it when fall break rolls around.
Best,
Olivia, a recent college graduate
Dear Worried Mom,
It’s so hard!! You’ve been her mom for 18 years. I get it. You miss her! You want her to succeed and you are longing to know how she’s doing. When my first two kids went to college I worked hard to try and change my thinking. I know my kids did not want to be worried about. When I caught myself having big feelings, I’d first just name out loud what I was thinking and feeling. When I got calmer, I’d focus my attention on appreciating our mutual success. You raised an amazing daughter who is brave enough to do the impressive and challenging task of moving away and getting an education. When you miss her, think about how proud you are of not only her, but also yourself. Show yourself some love! I like to practice doing what’s called a Loving Kindness meditation when I catch myself thinking too much. Close your eyes. Put your hand on your heart. Acknowledge that it’s ok to feel how you’re feeling. Then silently say: May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I live a life of ease. Then think of your daughter and say: May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you live a life of ease. This works to change your focus and ground you in the present. Your daughter will talk to you when she gets the time. Start brainstorming her favorite meals for her next break. They are always right around the corner.
Best,
Stacey, psychotherapist and mom to 3 young adults
